Saturday, June 30, 2012

Words Never Whispered.

{My father died about a year ago. I thought that given the time, I had gotten over it, but I guess not? I'm not quite sure what happened... I just started crying at around 3:30am because of those memories. But I do know one thing: I regret not spending enough time with him. Part of it was because he worked constantly, and another part was because I was still a child; in my childish mind I thought he would never leave, even though I feared death because it had the power to take away my loved ones ever since I was five.}

I built myself to be so strong,
So indestructible under any circumstance.
Yet... Only one memory of you is
Enough to tear me apart.

We weren't close; in fact,
We were rather distanced.
Our conversations were neither
Deep nor meaningful - they were just...
Conversing placed between us.
Back then they were nothing, a daily occurence.
Yet now I hold them valuable,
Praying to never forget them.
If only I treasured them more back then.

The memories I have of you,
So strong yet weak to a certain extent,
Wise beyond your years, yet holding a child-like ease,
Are fleeting away from me.
No longer can I immediately think of your voice, your laugh...
I can only imitate it with uncertainty.

The photos of us together, less than a handful,
Are lost. Why did I not think of taking any?
Why was I so oblivious to this, only recognizing the want to now?

Why weren't we closer?
Was it because you were a workaholic, hoping to gain a better
Life for your children that you pushed us all away?
Or was it because I was a child you regret?
We had our moments, but I just wish there was more.

"I miss you, I love you.
Have a good day.
Good morning, good night."
Simple phrases that I miss saying... To you.
What onced seemed like a ritual is now
A want, a desire to be done.
I wish you could hear me, see me.
Then I could tell you all the things I had wanted to say,
All the things I keep bottled up, trapped, inside, me.
But now that can never be.
Now I can never say these words to you,
No matter how hard I try.

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