Please.

{Because I get this feel all the time and I can't.}

That smile, it kills me inside.

Don't direct it to another girl,

Only show that face when you're with me.

Almost like a child who receives a toy,

That look provides me sustenance, the energy to live.

It's become something I can't live without.

It's become something I want to keep with me.

But what if you start to show that smile,

A private expression between the two of us,

To another person?

She's prettier than me, smarter too.

She's everything I'm not – athletic, graceful, funny, you name it.

I wouldn't be surprised if you fell for her;

She has everything... You would look for in a girl.

It's like she's the majestic and beautiful swan

And I'm the ugly duckling in the stories and fantasies given to children.

Except this time, the ugly duckling doesn't have a happy ending.

Please, just don't be closer to her than you are to me.

Don't show her your secret facial expressions

Or the voices you make when it's just the two of us.

Don't include her in our inside jokes,

Or tell them to her first and exclude me.

Please... Don't replace me.

Brightness.

{I hate starting things with pronouns---}

You're so brights, so smart, so liked.
Whereas I'm the complete opposite.
How did we ever become friends?

I want to be like you, capable of
Laughing among friends and even able to make them.
I want to stand on the same platform as you,
No one being placed on a a higher pedestal; just.. an equal footing.
Yet I know I'll never be able to reach you.
You're simply too bright, and I'm just too dull.
Our two paths might never cross again in the future.
This incident where we... Became friends was a once in a lifetime occurrence,
I'm sure of it.

Maybe in the future we'll meet again
And stand on the same patch of grass.
Maybe then we'll finally have our paths cross yet again, and this time, not because of a fluke.
Maybe then... We can look each other in the eye in public.

Death's Doors.

{I'm sorry this was saved on my phone for so long and I never had the chance to update this blog---}

    I wonder how people knocking on death's doors think and feel before dying. Do they realize jut what is happening to them the moments before death? Or are they shown a pleasant dream, one where they are reliving their happiest memory or living the future they could never see... Could never have? Could it be that up to their very last breath, they are fighting to stay alive, stealing gasps of air whenever they could? Despite all the pain that life had brought them, those people put in all the effort they could before breathing became too much. I wonder... To they know how their family, their kin, must have felt? Could they have at least sensed what was happening around the room, every corner emitting tears and a want for solace? Or were they only vaguely aware of that matter, much more interested in the utopia that was offered to them seconds before? And in that final moment before they crossed over to the land of the dead, are they pulled back into reality and shown their family crowding around them, each of them crying and begging them not to go? Maybe it's at that moment that the person suddenly reaches an epiphany, that death isn't something that you should want. Surrounded by the tears, the sobs, and the emotional atmosphere, the person doesn't want their story to continue on at that path but... It's too late. The heart gives away, and the blood flow and senses come to a slow stop. With that last image burned in their mind, did the person die with regret?

Tomorrow.

I'm tired of waiting for that
One special day where
I can finally see and speak to you,
That one day later in life where
You're right here, right beside me again.
Yet... Later never comes.


I long for the moment to go back to where
My eyes were transfixed on your back,
Your body blocking out the harsh and cruel
Things the world had to offer to me.
The protection, the shield that I need so desperately right now,
Where is it?


I yearn for the day when my world becomes balanced again.
When you're right by my side, within arm's reach.
I crave for those memories to become reality once more,
And for these tears to be replaced with smiles.
I wish for the day when I can joyfully call you my father again
Without the limitations of death to stop me.
If only I didn't want these things to happen so much.
Maybe then the "later" would come sooner.

Greetings.

A simple hello.

A wave here, a wave there.

These things don't make us friends.

If “friends” are made through greetings

That any person could do to anyone

They had met earlier in the years,

Doesn't that make everyone friends?

What would you call those friends

That are /truly/ your friends then?

Although I want to believe that

We are more than just acquaintances,

The fact that our interactions are

Nothing but greetings makes me

A bit nervous.

Maybe one of these days one of us

Will strike up a conversation in which
We can both chat and talk about our lives.

Slow Down.

{Sorry, I just realized this doesn't make sense. OTL. I'm really sick right now and can't think properly.}

Slow down,
Hold your breath.
Take in all the sights, smells,
And memories.
Close your eyes,
And listen.

Time goes by too fast.
Instead of worrying about
The past, make haste towards the future.
Petty regrets of the past are by far the worst,
And are the kinds you can't fix.
But instead of wondering, "I shouldn't have done that,"
Or, "What was I thinking?"
Change your thinking by
Improving yourself for the future.

Don't rush everything
For the sake of growing up.
To be honest, growing up isn't
That fun. Trust me, I had the the same mindset as you.
I'd... Give anything to turn back time.
In order for you not to have the same
Regrets as I do,
I just hope that you'll listen to me,
And not ignore me like the others.

Fear.

{Hi um high school stole me. Essays and tests consumed me. Friends kind of ditched me. Has never felt so out of place among people my age. I also caught a cold RIGHT when the second week of school started on Monday, so I think people think I'm permanently sick or something. Lawlawlawl. I keep having coughing fits in the middle of class and during lectures. And because of that, the boys who sit next to me in Health keep asking me if I'm alright. LOL. And I have what, three quizzes and one essay test tomorrow to finish. If I don't  finish the essay in time I get around 60-0%. HAHA NO PRESSURE RIGHT? No re-dos on the test either. Oh my-----}

If the use of fear was used against you,
How long could you last
Until you broke down
Because of that test of endurance?

Whether it be your biggest or
Your smallest fear could
You say with pride that you
Did not succumb to being
Crushed by your worst nightmares?

No matter how long you hold on,
There will always be something far worse
To scare you in the future.
The question is though:
Are you strong enough to
Pull through all of that?